The flames consuming Foley Manor dance in the jewels of Lady C's bracelet.
Well Done!!!!
First thing I want to point out about Kate's film intro:
1. It is LOADED with VISUAL CONFLICT! THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT! (with exception to your chosen genre.)
2. I can envision Maggy hurrying through a burning building and only noticing LC after her foot brushes against her dead hand, then along with us, she sees the bracelet.
3. The room Maggy is in, is becoming engulfed in flames.
"Maggy's bare, soot stained foot draws back when it brushes against Lady Constance's dead hand.
The flames consuming Foley Manor dance in the jewels of Lady C's bracelet."
Remember, this is the opening scene of a movie.
So, the audience is asking these questions:
Where are we?
Who's that barefoot girl and who's the dead lady? PLANT!
Why is that bracelet so important? BIG PLANT and BETTER PAYOFF by the end of the movie.
Who set the Mansion on fire? PLANT!
Can a movie start off like this? Absolutely, writers/directors do it all the time!!!
The above are all ENGAGING QUESTIONS! It's the beginning of the movie, the audience is HOOKED!
However, YOU MUST ANSWER these questions in THE VERY NEXT SCENE:
SETTING: Where are we?
CHARACTERS: Who is the girl and dead lady?
OBJECT OF INTEREST: What's important about that bracelet? THIS MUST HAVE MASSIVE SIGNIFICANCE!!! It sets the tone for the rest of the movie!
OPENING OBSTACLE: Why was the mansion on fire?
If Kate didn't answer these questions they would all become STORY FLAWS because they were critical questions that weren't PAID OFF (answered).
Now, having said all that there are some minor problems with the way the scene was set up.
Maggy's bare, soot stained foot draws back when it brushes against Lady Constance's dead hand.
The flames consuming Foley Manor dance in the jewels of Lady C's bracelet.
We see the girl reacting to the dead woman and the bracelet. We're not aware she's in any immediate danger.
Foley Manor is burning and it's at this point we're made aware of the bracelet along with the girl.
If there is danger, always make sure your audience knows it UP FRONT!
Lets do this scene in reverse:
Flames consume an old mansion. A young peasant girl stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled bracelet.
In the version above:
Danger is eminent.
We meet the character trying to survive.
She encounters an additional terror, A DEAD WOMAN.
This build up is interrupted by the DISCOVERY of the BRACELET (The MacGuffin)
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
All I did was take Kate's idea and rearrange it.
Any thoughts?