QUOTE (kkffoo @ Sep 16 2012, 09:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Final scene.
Jayne, Maggy's great granddaughter, cuts back branches and sees ruin of Foley Manor.She steps forward and falls through rotten floor into burnt out cellar. Witton, butler's descendent, appears with shotgun. Jayne tries to hide and finds secret passage. At end of passage she finds treasure trove. Witton follows, ties up Jayne.
Witton moves treasure, piles up ancient papers as kindling, is about to burn Jayne plus any evidence alive when.. Peter, Jayne's previously scorned love interest, arrives and knocks Witton out with vase. Vase breaks, bracelet falls out. Kiss between Peter and Jayne, Jayne hold up bracelet, it sparkles and reflects smiling ghost faces of Maggy and Tommy.
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* I haven't done the maths to work out how many generations & date of first scene
Jayne, Maggy's great granddaughter, cuts back branches and sees ruin of Foley Manor.She steps forward and falls through rotten floor into burnt out cellar. Witton, butler's descendent, appears with shotgun. Jayne tries to hide and finds secret passage. At end of passage she finds treasure trove. Witton follows, ties up Jayne.
Witton moves treasure, piles up ancient papers as kindling, is about to burn Jayne plus any evidence alive when.. Peter, Jayne's previously scorned love interest, arrives and knocks Witton out with vase. Vase breaks, bracelet falls out. Kiss between Peter and Jayne, Jayne hold up bracelet, it sparkles and reflects smiling ghost faces of Maggy and Tommy.
___________________________________________________
* I haven't done the maths to work out how many generations & date of first scene
This reminds me of When Susan, Edmond, Peter and Lucy discovery the ruin of the Castle at Pare Caravel in The Chronicles of Narnia. Great stuff!
Writing the ending scene without the benefit of the rest of the story treatment IS HARD! What happened to me when I did these exercises, is I introduced more questions instead of answering them. That's what's happened in your ending. That's natural because I haven't seen the rest of the "movie".
My first reaction to the ending was ;
Where's Maggy and Tommy?
The bracelet is in a treasure trove, but what significance does the bracelet have?
Why is the bracelet back at Foley Manor?
Lets break down your first scene to it's core:
(1) A peasant girl (MAGGY), finds a bracelet.
(2) MAGGY hides from JAMES, who wants that bracelet, and wants to kill MAGGY because she knows he killed the Lady of the manor and set fire to the manor
(3) TOMMY rescues MAGGY.
What you want to show us in your last scene is:
What happened to TOMMY and MAGGY.
What significance does the bracelet have.
What happened to JAMES.
Example ending:
A middle aged Countess is holding court in a regally appointed thrown room. Guards burst through big wooden double doors. Maggy and Tommy, grungy and worn, are hustled through the door and thrust to their knees at the steps of the thrown. A guard presents the bracelet to the Countess. She becomes angry and rises from her thrown.
COMMOTION at the door distracts the Countess! In shackles, James is violently ushered in and thrown to the floor.
Later, groomed and dressed royally, Maggy and Tommy are escorted to the thrown room and presented to the Countess. A portrait of her and the Lady of the manor together wearing identical bracelets hangs above the thrown.
The Countess presides over Maggy and Tommie's wedding and presents Maggy with the bracelet.
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Obviously you can change that, but what we don't want to do at the end of our scene (for the purpose of this exercise) is introduce new questions.
In my version:
James is vanquished for the murder of the Countess' sister.
The Countess honors Maggy and Tommy.
Maggy and Tommy get married.
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Does that make sense?
