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SCREEN WRITING CLASS - MODULE 6


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#21 aroundworld

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 01:14 PM


So, in light of what we've been covering in this class, what specifically, do you think are some of the reasons for those story flaws?

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#22 kkffoo

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 01:34 PM

Hmmm....I'll dive in with the almost certain knowledge that I have misunderstood the question smile.gif

Why did Shakespeare have Romeo change character and have him become a nitwit?
Well, for one thing it has been a continually popular story, so it seemed to work for him.
For another it gave the story a neat ending, with emotional impact.
The story most likely contains a reference to previous works which the audience would have known about....this story is 'like' some other thing...this is a tragic romance...good for marketing.
He wanted to steer the situation around so the Montagues and Capulets would have a strong reason to kiss and make up and this was probably a reference to current events of the time since forgotten.
(insert John and Yoko singing 'give peace a chance')
If you dress things up with lots of well written dialogue people don't really notice what's happening.
He ran out of time and the 'he woke up and discovered it was all a dream' ending would have encouraged the throwing of rotting fruit.

#23 JosephKw

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 02:04 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Oct 21 2012, 01:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
He ran out of time and the 'he woke up and discovered it was all a dream' ending would have encouraged the throwing of rotting fruit.

ROFL. Talk about cliched endings, if I see another "it was just a dream" ending, I'd throw UP fruit.

The "Raiders of the Lost Ark" uniform steal was one of the few instances which that DID work, due to the humorous twist as you mentioned. Another example of a great uniform steal was by Hannibal Lector when he dumped the cop (dressed in Hannibal's outfit) onto an inaccessible, but visible place while he stole not only the dead cop's uniform, but his face as well (human skin mask), and pretended to be injured so he would be rushed onto an ambulance where he made an easy escape. That was a brilliant twist.

I don't know if the overused standard uniform steal is a story flaw, other than it being predictable to the extent that some audience members may doubt its efficacy. The "it was all a dream" ending, however, ruins the whole film by making everything that happened inconsequential, and thus I think should be deemed a story flaw.

#24 kkffoo

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 02:28 PM

There's a really good uniform swap scene in RED, which messes with your expectations and preconceptions, don't want to issue too much of a spoiler if you haven't seen it.

In one of the Austin Powers movies, they play with the uniform swap trope...two employees of wildly differing heights enter a rest room, Austen and ?Elizabeth Hurley? character enter, then come out wearing perfectly fitting uniforms.

#25 aroundworld

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 02:40 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Oct 21 2012, 01:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hmmm....I'll dive in with the almost certain knowledge that I have misunderstood the question smile.gif

Why did Shakespeare have Romeo change character and have him become a nitwit?
Well, for one thing it has been a continually popular story, so it seemed to work for him.
For another it gave the story a neat ending, with emotional impact.
The story most likely contains a reference to previous works which the audience would have known about....this story is 'like' some other thing...this is a tragic romance...good for marketing.
He wanted to steer the situation around so the Montagues and Capulets would have a strong reason to kiss and make up and this was probably a reference to current events of the time since forgotten.
(insert John and Yoko singing 'give peace a chance')
If you dress things up with lots of well written dialogue people don't really notice what's happening.
He ran out of time and the 'he woke up and discovered it was all a dream' ending would have encouraged the throwing of rotting fruit.



If you dress things up with lots of well written dialogue people don't really notice what's happening.


This is certainly some of the thinking behind what causes story flaws. Emotional impact is another element used to try and cover up story flaws. Rushing to finish a script will always result in using other things other than solid writing to get a story across.

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#26 aroundworld

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 03:09 PM

QUOTE (JosephKw @ Oct 21 2012, 02:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ROFL. Talk about cliched endings, if I see another "it was just a dream" ending, I'd throw UP fruit.

The "Raiders of the Lost Ark" uniform steal was one of the few instances which that DID work, due to the humorous twist as you mentioned. Another example of a great uniform steal was by Hannibal Lector when he dumped the cop (dressed in Hannibal's outfit) onto an inaccessible, but visible place while he stole not only the dead cop's uniform, but his face as well (human skin mask), and pretended to be injured so he would be rushed onto an ambulance where he made an easy escape. That was a brilliant twist.

That was brilliant, and it contrasts exactly what we're discussing here!

I don't know if the overused standard uniform steal is a story flaw, other than it being predictable to the extent that some audience members may doubt its efficacy. The "it was all a dream" ending, however, ruins the whole film by making everything that happened inconsequential, and thus I think should be deemed a story flaw.


With that in mind, how would you feel if the character entered a situation in "real life" that was exactly like the dream?

I have another student who's writing a comedy, in one particular scene his character ( a brainy med student who' run out of money for college) is standing on the street with a sign trying to sell sex. As the police are arresting him he acts surprised.

Even a nerdy/brainy college student would know prostitution is illegal.

That's a big story flaw, and we see this kind of stuff all the time.

How do we avoid them. By planning and carefully crafting our story's.



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#27 aroundworld

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 11:27 AM

These are story flaws you want to avoid.



Routines that are not interrupted: Make sure your character's life is changed in a way that sends them on a journey

Plant and payoffs: Make sure; objects, ideas, key secondary characters play vital rolls in the future of your character after you place them in your hero's life.

The story is absent of rising conflict: MAKE SURE CONFLICT STEADILY RISES. Always increasing the stakes. Use critical choices your character must make. FORCE THEM IN A DIRECTION.

When things happen to your character, make sure the event has a TANGIBLE REASON.

Try to avoid flat characters: Give them an inner and outer struggle.




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#28 aroundworld

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 11:50 AM

Assignment




Use scene beats in the the three act structure as you did in the story adaptation exercise. Only this time I'd like you to place your opening scene from earlier in the semester in the PLOT POINT ONE position.

PURPOSE: To structure you story and practice avoiding story flaws.




ACT I

We meet your character.


MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III


PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.


ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).


TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).


TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)


PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.


ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOU ENEMY ENSUES.


PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE


OUTCOME


RESOLUTION








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#29 squirrelygirl

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Posted 23 October 2012 - 11:37 AM

ACT I

We meed teenage BRIANA WESTRAM who is of obvious wealth, but more interested in archery and riding horses bareback than what is acceptable for young medieval ladies. Her father constantly voices concern over her actions.


MIDWAY

The Castle is under attack. Briana and Thomas are given over to their father's manservant to sneak out of the castle through secret catacombs that only their father knew existed. The manservant takes them back to his home to hide until he can get them out of the city.


PLOT POINT I

Four knights advance on a medieval style cottage. Inside a middle aged man and woman hide Briana and Thomas in a crawlspace under the floor. The knights break into the cottage followed by a merciless man. This is CARAC FENDREL. He tries to gain the location of the children. When the middle aged couple is unhelpful he kills the husband. Meanwhile Briana and Thomas try to escape, but are seen by the knights and pursued. Briana is injured and Thomas is captured.

ACT II

Briana is rescued by MARCUS DEVLIN, a man faithful to her father. He thinks her family is dead and wants to get her to safety. At first she wishes she had been the kind of daughter her father wanted her to be, but when she learns that her father and brother are still alive she decides to rescue them herself.


TURN AROUND 1

She disguises herself and enters the castle to try to rescue her family. She looks for them in the dungeon, but only finds some of her father's knights. Before she can look further she is captured. She puts up a fight and overpowers her captors, but not before learning that her father's new wife is on Carac's side. She takes the keys and releases the knights.


TURN AROUND 2

The rescued knights tell Briana that Carac is after a talisman that her father has kept hidden. With Thomas in Carac's clutches they are sure her father will give in. Briana realizes that her father told her where the talisman is in a story he used to tell her and she wants to find it first, but none of the knights are willing to follow her.


PLOT POINT II

Briana goes after the talisman alone, but by that time Carac has also been told where it is. He takes some men to retrieve it. Briana reaches it first, but she is trapped by Carac and his men. Marcus and his men help her escape.


ACT III

Briana has the talisman, but Carac spreads word throughout the city that if she does not give him the talisman by noon her brother and father will hang. She argues with the man about what to do. They think that a rescue mission is suicide, but then she remembers how she escaped through the catacombs. With this new knowledge they devise a plan.


They enter the catacombs, find her father and brother, and make their escape. As they are escaping Carac wounds her father. Distracted by her father Briana lets her guard down enabling Carac to get the talisman. Briana goes after Carac. She finds him with her step-mother. She destroys the talisman. Carac and her step-mother are captured


Briana tells her father that she is sorry for the way she acted, but he tells her he is proud of her.

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#30 aroundworld

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Posted 23 October 2012 - 10:38 PM

QUOTE (squirrelygirl @ Oct 23 2012, 11:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ACT I

We meed teenage BRIANA WESTRAM who is of obvious wealth, but more interested in archery and riding horses bareback than what is acceptable for young medieval ladies. Her father constantly voices concern over her actions.

Good, she's bit of a rebel.


MIDWAY

You need to mention the talisman here. The catacombs are cool and are necessary, but the plant and payoff value of this story and how it effects her journey are crucial to the plot. Maybe her father is sharing the story in the library...etc as the surprise attack takes place.


The Castle is under attack. Briana and Thomas are given over to their father's manservant to sneak out of the castle through secret catacombs that only their father knew existed. The manservant takes them back to his home to hide until he can get them out of the city.


PLOT POINT I

Four knights advance on a medieval style cottage. Inside a middle aged man and woman hide Briana and Thomas in a crawlspace under the floor. The knights break into the cottage followed by a merciless man. This is CARAC FENDREL. He tries to gain the location of the children. When the man servant and his wife middle aged couple is unhelpful he kills the husband. Meanwhile Briana and Thomas try to escape, but are seen by the knights and pursued. Briana is injured and Thomas is captured.

In my opinion, if the wife doesn't really play a roll later in the film, I'd just kill her off too. Make Carac a real bastard. I think he'd do it any way.

ACT II

Briana is rescued by MARCUS DEVLIN, a man faithful to her father. He thinks her family is dead and wants to get her to safety. At first she wishes she had been the kind of daughter her father wanted her to be, but when she learns that her father and brother are still alive she decides to rescue them herself.

Behavioral regrets are good, but she needs an inner struggle with more depth. Think of other characters you know of, male and female to barrow from. NEVER BE AFRAID TO BARROW from compelling characters.


TURN AROUND 1

She disguises herself and enters the castle to try to rescue her family. She looks for them in the dungeon, but only finds some of her father's knights. Before she can look further she is captured. She puts up a fight and overpowers her captors, but not before learning that her father's new wife is on Carac's side. She takes the keys and releases the knights.

Where's Marcus? Being confidant of her father's, he would never allow her to go alone. Even if he had trail her from a distance... Hmmm. wink.gif This is one of the places her archery could pay off. Be careful to keep this plausible.

TURN AROUND 2

The rescued knights tell Briana that Carac is after a talisman, that her father has kept hidden. With Thomas in Carac's clutches they are sure her father will give in. Briana realizes that her father told her where the talisman is in a story he used to tell her and she wants to find it first, but none of the knights are willing to follow her.

Why would the knights refuse to go with her? They were in the service of her father, and probably watched her grow up. I'm guessing knights were like bodyguards to the king/lord?

Watch out for this kind of stuff, I know it's a quick fix but it's illogical and will spoil the suspense of disbelief. This has the potential to be a strong script, don't' take the easy way out. This is what the outline is for smile.gif. We find the weak links in our story as we build it.



PLOT POINT II

Briana goes after the talisman alone, but by that time Carac has also been told where it is. He takes some men to retrieve it. Briana reaches it first, but she is trapped by Carac and his men. Marcus and his men help her escape.

If she's going it alone, you have to have a good reason for this! REMEMBER: TANGIBLE REASONS for thing happening. Maybe Crac's men know of the catacombs now. So there's a crawl space that only she can fit in, and Marcus and his men will meet her at a designated point... etc?


ACT III

Briana has the talisman, but Carac spreads word throughout the city that if she does not give him the talisman by noon her brother and father will hang. She argues with the man about what to do. They think that a rescue mission is suicide, but then she remembers how she escaped through the catacombs. With this new knowledge they devise a plan.

IMHO, the story of the talisman has more to it than the catacombs. I think you have a gold mine with that theme and you're not exploiting it enough. Think of some details in that little story her father has told her and Thomas (their favorite story) since childhood that will save them.

You've already used the catacombs. Carac would know about theme by now.



They enter the catacombs, find her father and brother, and make their escape. As they are escaping Carac wounds her father. Distracted by her father Briana lets her guard down enabling Carac to get the talisman. Briana goes after Carac. She finds him with her step-mother. She destroys the talisman. Carac and her step-mother are captured


Briana tells her father that she is sorry for the way she acted, but he tells her he is proud of her.

There needs to be something in the talisman story that coincides with Briana's inner struggle.

I won't let you "shoot from the hip" on this one. It's a good idea, and it deserves quality attention (what ever you can spare).



Thank you for doing this assignment! smile.gif

This story is based on a tried and true theme, but that doesn't mean you don't have an original twist on it. YOU DO! BIG KUDOS! Think through what I've discussed and give this another shot. smile.gif


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#31 kkffoo

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 10:44 AM

Use scene beats in the the three act structure as you did in the story adaptation exercise. Only this time I'd like you to place your opening scene from earlier in the semester in the PLOT POINT ONE position.

PURPOSE: To structure you story and practice avoiding story flaws.




ACT I

We meet your character.

Peasant cottage lit by an oil lamp. MAGGY TREVALYCK is scraping bristles from pigskin and singing. BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM slaps her and Maggy stops singing. She looks longingly towards the distant Foley Manor and sheds a tear.


MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III

MAGGY is staggering across a muddy track carrying kitchen waste to the pig sties, when JAMES and men gallop through. JAMES laughs as MAGGY is thrown into a muddy ditch.
MAGGY is punished for wasting the kitchen slops by having to spend the night in the pig-sty. Propping up the slops trough she finds an old stone with a carved family crest.



PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.

The Manor is in flames. JAMES bursts into Lady Foley's bedroom and leaps over his mistress's corpse chasing MAGGY, who leaps from Lady Foley's bedroom window, clutching the diamond necklace.
JAMES swings from a vine and lands in a pool of hounds and men on the driveway.
The gang chase MAGGY into the woods, where she is rescued by TOMMY, who pulls her out of their path at the last moment.


ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).

MAGGY and TOMMY are hiding out. MAGGY shows TOMMY the bracelet, with the clasp in the same pattern as the carved stone in the pig-sty.
TOMMY is horrified..MAGGY doesn't understand the value of the item she took, they may both be hanged.


TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).

TOMMY makes up a story that he 'found' the bracelet, dropped near the burnt out Foley Manor, and tries to hand it in to the magistrate, but the magistrate calls for JAMES.
MAGGY helps TOMMY escape by causing a diversion (she herds geese into the magistrates parlour) but she is nearly caught.
She is hidden in a cupboard by MR PINKWHISTLE, a kindly clerk who works for the magistrate. He hates JAMES and the magistrate as they are throwing poor people out of their hovels to make way for a get rich quick railway scheme.


TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)

MR PINKWHISTLE offers to help MAGGY find her true ancestry, if she and TOMMY will help him thwart the crooked railway scheme.
The two heroes stake out a meeting between JAMES and the railway investors. They manage to steal incriminating documents which show James was responsible for buring down Foley Manor to make way for a railway station and goods yard but are captured and tied up in a sinking boat on Foley lake.


PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.

Just as the pair are about to drown they are rescued by MR PINKWHISTLE in a rowing boat. MR P has uncovered evidence that MAGGY is the true heir to the Foley fortune but they need more proof. Maggy tells him about the mysterious stone, and matching bracelet clasp.


ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOU ENEMY ENSUES.

TOMMY, MR P and MAGGY break into he INN where JAMES is staying and try to steal back the bracelet. TOMMY is injured and MAGGY is covered in the contents of a chamber pot, hurled by JAMES. MR PINKWHISTLE is trussed up with his own garters and his body thrown into a large chest.
The two heroes hide in the chest, where Maggy finds a grand ballgown. She swaps her soiled clothes and TOMMY is amazed by the transformation, (he lights his tinder-box inside the chest) she looks just like Lady Foley.
MAGGY leaps out of the chest in the middle of the night, pretends to be the ghost of Lady Foley and tricks JAMES into giving up the bracelet.


PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE

The magistrate shows JAMES Maggy's discarded clothes, and he realises he has been tricked. They realise MR P, TOMMY and MAGGY will head for the clock tower where JAMES hidden the secret documents.
They give chase accompanied by their hoodlums.




OUTCOME

JAMES shoots TOMMY, then falls to his death as the London Police arrive, having been alerted by MR PINKWHISTLE. The magistrate is arrested.
In the grand dress all the local peasantry can see that MAGGY looks just like the Foley family, and the hidden documents prove that Lady Foley was her grandmother (her mother having been disowned for marrying beneath her station and then dying in childbirth)



RESOLUTION


MAGGY finds a legitimate railway company to build a line, and the whole area is economically rejuvinated.
MR PINKWHISTLE becomes the new magistrate, and Maggy maries TOMMY (arm in a sling).
BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM is proved to be a co-conspiritor and is deported to australia to work on a pig farm.



#32 aroundworld

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 10:26 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Oct 24 2012, 10:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Use scene beats in the the three act structure as you did in the story adaptation exercise. Only this time I'd like you to place your opening scene from earlier in the semester in the PLOT POINT ONE position.

PURPOSE: To structure your story and practice avoiding story flaws.




ACT I

We meet your character.

Peasant cottage lit by an oil lamp. MAGGY TREVALYCK is scraping bristles from pigskin and singing. BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM slaps her and Maggy stops singing. She looks longingly towards the distant Foley Manor and sheds a tear.

This works. But if there is a more vivid connection you can make to her real identity, I would use it.

MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III

MAGGY is staggering across a muddy track carrying kitchen waste to the pig sties, when JAMES and hismen gallop through. JAMES laughs as MAGGY is thrown into a muddy ditch.
MAGGY is punished for wasting the kitchen slops by having to spend the night in the pig-sty. Propping up the slops trough she finds an old stone with a carved family crest.

BRAVO! Right to the point, GOOD JOB!

Once you introduce your characters in CAPS, you can write them normally i.e. "Maggy". It's only the first time that we use all CAPS. I didn't mention this earlier so we can go one step at a time.

Great scene! You introduce James and show us what a scoundrel he and his henchmen are, it really shows Maggy's lowly station.

SUGGESTION: Make the stone she uses to prop up the slop trough, something she uses daily. Maybe the trough is in need of repair and she uses the stone as a hammer, then discovers the family crest.






PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.

The Manor is in flames. Maggy stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. It's Lady Foley. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled necklace. Maggy grabs the necklace and heads for the window - James bursts into the room. He rushes Maggy as she leaps from the window, clutching the diamond necklace.

James swings from a vine and lands in a pool of hounds and men on the driveway. The gang chase Maggy into the woods, where she is rescued by TOMMY, who pulls her out of their path at the last moment.


I combined ideas from MOD 2, where this was originally written. This is a very strong PLOT POINT. And further increases the conflict and shows what Maggy is up against. BRAVO!






ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).

MAGGY and TOMMY are hiding out. MAGGY shows TOMMY the necklace, with the clasp in the same pattern as the carved stone in the pig-sty. TOMMY is horrified..MAGGY doesn't understand the value of the item she took, they may both be hanged.

Yes! Great, for an act 2 start scene! This ties in beautifully with what you've shown us in act one. And sets up the danger having the bracelet brings in the future. this is called, PAYING IT FORWARD!





TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).

TOMMY makes up a story that he 'found' the bracelet, dropped near the burnt out Foley Manor, and tries to hand it in to the magistrate, but the magistrate calls for JAMES.
MAGGY helps TOMMY escape by causing a diversion (she herds geese into the magistrates parlour) but she is nearly caught.

She is hidden in a cupboard by MR PINKWHISTLE, a kindly clerk who works for the magistrate. He hates JAMES and the magistrate as they are throwing poor people out of their hovels to make way for a get rich quick railway scheme.



Tommy taking the bracelet/necklace? to the magistrate. Two things bother me about this idea:

1. Because Tommy lives in the area, he would know the magistrate is crooked. So why would he expose himself to the risk?

2. You're missing an opportunity to create/build suspense by getting caught with it. Lets say Tommy is checking his poaching traps and is caught by a patrol. When they search him, they find the necklace. I don't know why he would have it, that's for you to decide. I'm just thinking "out-loud".

Just some thoughts.




TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)

MR PINKWHISTLE offers to help MAGGY find her true ancestry, if she and TOMMY will help him thwart the crooked railway scheme. The two heroes stake out a meeting between JAMES and the railway investors. They manage to steal incriminating documents which show James was responsible for burning down Foley Manor to make way for a railway station and goods yard but are captured and tied up in a sinking boat on Foley lake.


Ah, the sinking boat! CLASSIC!! Nice touch!


PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.

Just as the pair are about to drown they are rescued by MR PINKWHISTLE in a rowing boat. MR P has uncovered evidence that MAGGY is the true heir to the Foley fortune but they need more proof. Maggy tells him about the mysterious stone, and matching bracelet clasp.

The stone needs an origin. How did it get in the pig-sty? Ah, this provides a wonderful opportunity for back-story! A history that will help Maggy put the pieces together!

This is good! Remember when Froto was already under water and Sam-wise rescued him?

I would approach this scene the same way. Never be afraid to barrow from what works or what you can learn from! smile.gif




ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOU ENEMY ENSUES.

TOMMY, MR P and MAGGY break into he INN where JAMES is staying and try to steal back the bracelet. TOMMY is injured and MAGGY is covered in the contents of a chamber pot, hurled by JAMES. MR PINKWHISTLE is trussed up with his own garters and his body thrown into a large chest.

The two heroes hide in the chest, where Maggy finds a grand ballgown. She swaps her soiled clothes and TOMMY is amazed by the transformation, (he lights his tinder-box inside the chest) she looks just like Lady Foley. MAGGY leaps out of the chest in the middle of the night, pretends to be the ghost of Lady Foley and tricks JAMES into giving up the bracelet.

This is funny! A few questions:

So, Maggy is below the window when James hurls the chamber pot?


Maggy appears to James looking like Lady Foley. She would still smell like the chamber pot, right?
It would be funny if James reacts to that smell, even in his fear and Maggy tells him it's her rotting flesh. (?)

Tommy's injured? Be careful of how much you hurt Tommy. If you do this to much, then the wound at the very end of the movie won't mean much, robbing the situation of emotional impact.









PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE

The magistrate shows JAMES Maggy's discarded clothes, and he realizes he has been tricked. They realize MR P, TOMMY and MAGGY will head for the clock tower where JAMES hidden the secret documents.
They give chase accompanied by their hoodlums.




OUTCOME

JAMES shoots TOMMY, then falls to his death as the London Police arrive, having been alerted by MR PINKWHISTLE. The magistrate is arrested. In the grand dress all the local peasantry can see that MAGGY looks just like the Foley family, and the hidden documents prove that Lady Foley was her grandmother (her mother having been disowned for marrying beneath her station and then dying in childbirth)



RESOLUTION


MAGGY finds a legitimate railway company to build a line, and the whole area is economically rejuvinated.
MR PINKWHISTLE becomes the new magistrate, and Maggy maries TOMMY (arm in a sling).
BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM is proved to be a co-conspiritor and is deported to australia to work on a pig farm.



This story really has some momentum! GOOD JOB!!!!!

Please consider what I've discussed and have another go at it. TAKE YOUR TIME!!!!



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#33 kkffoo

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Posted 29 October 2012 - 06:58 PM

ACT I

We meet your character.

Peasant cottage lit by an oil lamp. MAGGY TREVALYCK is scraping bristles from pigskin and singing. BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM slaps her and Maggy stops singing. The slap has revealed a peculiar shaped birthmark hiding under Maggy's fringe.
Magg quickly hides it again.

MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III

We see a stone gatepost which has a strange carving under the lettering 'Foley Manor'. MAGGY stands fingering the carving and lifts her fringe unknowingly to touch her birthmark. The shape of the carving and birthmark match.
Just then JAMES and his men gallop through. JAMES laughs as MAGGY is thrown into a muddy ditch.


PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.

The Manor is in flames. Maggy stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. It's Lady Foley. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled necklace. Maggy grabs the necklace and heads for the window - James bursts into the room,
As Maggy open the window to leap out leaps from the window, a rush of air rushed through the room, lifting papers and fanning the flames.
The dead woman's fringe is blown back and we see an identical birthmark on her forehead.
James jumps through the flames , then swings from a vine and lands in a pool of hounds and men on the driveway. The gang chase Maggy into the woods, where she is rescued by TOMMY, who pulls her out of their path at the last moment.


ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).

MAGGY and TOMMY are hiding out. MAGGY shows TOMMY the necklace, with the clasp in the same shape as the Foley birthmark.
TOMMY is horrified..MAGGY doesn't understand the value of the item she took, they may both be hanged.


TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).

The Hounds pick up Maggy's scent and chase the pair to the edge of a lake. TOMMY drags Maggy to a boathouse on a small island. They hide-out but are found by Mr Pinkwhistle the gamekeeper. He takes them for common thieves when he spots the bracelet, but after they tell their story he reveals he also is trying to thwart James, who threw him out of his cottage.



TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)

MR PINKWHISTLE offers to help MAGGY find her true ancestry, if she and TOMMY will help him thwart James from taking over Foley Manor. The two heroes agree to steal incriminating documents which show James was responsible for burning down Foley Manor.
The Hounds return and Mr Pinkwhistle can not divert them. James knocks the game keeper unconscious, then ties up Tommy and maggy in a small boat, knocks a hole in it and pushes them out on the lake.
They sink beneath the water .




PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.

James imagines they are gone & leaves, but Tommy uses the bracelet to cut through the ropes underwater, and he and Maggy swim to a nearby reedbed, where they find Mr P unconscious but alive. They drag him out of the water.
They hear James talkign about hiding incriminating documents in the clock tower.
Maggy's wet hair reveals her birthmark, and Tommy and Mr P suddenly realise the significance.




ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOU ENEMY ENSUES.

TOMMY, MR P and MAGGY break into he INN where JAMES is staying and try to steal back the bracelet. TOMMY is injured and Mr P herds some noisy geese to divert attention as Tommy and Maggy break into James's room. Jame's takes Mr P for a local and rushes outside to shut him up.
In the rush maggy's dress is caught on a nail and james returns before they can get out. The two heroes are nearly caught & hide in a wardrobe, where Maggy finds a grand ballgown. She swaps her torn clothes and TOMMY is amazed by the transformation, she looks just like Lady Foley. MAGGY leaps out of the wardrobe in the middle of the night, pretends to be the ghost of Lady Foley and tricks JAMES into giving up the bracelet.


PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE

JAMES finds Maggy's discarded clothes, and he realizes he has been tricked. He realize MR P, TOMMY and MAGGY will head for the clock tower where JAMES hidden the secret documents.
He rounds up his men to give chase.




OUTCOME

JAMES shoots TOMMY, then falls to his death as the London Police arrive, having been alerted by MR PINKWHISTLE. The magistrate is arrested. In the grand dress all the local peasantry can see that MAGGY looks just like the Foley family, and the hidden documents prove that Lady Foley was her grandmother (her mother having been disowned for marrying beneath her station and then dying in childbirth)



RESOLUTION


MAGGY is recognised as the true heir to the Foley Fortune and starts rebuilding Foley Manor and bringing the peasants back to their cottages.
She and Tommy are married.
Mr P is their butler.
BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM is proved to be a co-conspiritor and is deported to australia to work on a pig farm.





#34 JosephKw

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Posted 30 October 2012 - 02:20 PM

ACT I

We meet your character.



BRUCE DETT, 25, in dark-clad garb and mask revealing only his eyes, stands in a dingy hallway. Three brawny Chinese men in suits see him and rushes him with knives and staves. Dett dispatches them in a flurry of blows and kicks down the door they were guarding.

MASS SIN, 40, a Chinese man with a long Fu Manchu mustache dons a silk robe and stands in front of a large window, holding a Chinese sword. Dett draws a pair of nunchucks and whirls them about in a blur. Sin steps back, brings his sword to his own throat, and slashes. Blood spills down his neck and he staggers back and out the open window, and lands in the bushes below. Detts looks down on the body, turns to leave and stops to pick up Sin's sword, frowning. Dett smells and tastes the blood, and spits it out, then pushes the sword's fake retractable tip in. Outside, Sin is gone.


MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III


Dett, still in his assassin's garb, stands before WU, 60, who is being massaged by a two beautiful girls. Wu's office is filled with broadsword-wielding bodyguards. Wu glances at Dett, and slides a photo of Mr. Sin across the table to him. Dett looks down, then up at Wu, and shakes his head in shame. Wu slams his fist on the table, then slides a yellow slip of paper to Dett, who signs it. The guard takes the yellow paper to Wu, who places it in a wall safe behind him.

A shadow falls across the room and a man appears outside the office window, swinging on a rope to smash into the room. Many more men swing in and battle Wu's bodyguards. One throws a spearhead-shaped dart at Dett, who ducks out of the way. After a beautifully-choreographed kung fu battle, the attackers escape through the windows and slide down the ropes to escape. Dett looks around and sees Wu dead, with a spear dart between his eyes. Outside, Dett watches the fleeing assassins hop onto a pickup truck, which drives off. Behind, a black sedan follows--in the rear seat is a smiling Mr. Sin.

Fat dapper, MR. RONG, age 50, in a handsome suit enters Wu's office, smoking a cigar. He bows to the dead Wu, who is carried away, then looks at the Wu's remaining bodyguards. They bow to him. Rong sits in Wu's chair, and snaps his finger. The two beautiful masseuses quickly come to massage Rong.

PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.


A cigar is raised by Rong. Cigar-shaped batons are held, one each, by four burly men in wife-beaters, standing two each to the side of Mr. Rong. Dett, now in misfitting casual wear and his face fully-revealed for the first time, walks around a corner to face Rong and his men. Dett stops as the burly men spread out to surround him.

The men raise their batons, and glance at Mr. Rong, who nods. The batons descend. The sound of fighting ensues. One by one each baton falls to the floor. Dett stands among four motionless bodies. Mr. Rong drops his jaw--the cigar falls out and hits the floor. Dett's foot descends upon it, crushing it. A pool of water reflects the fleeing Mr. Rong.


ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).


Dett sits in a filthy tenement, dressing a minor wound on his right arm. He stands up, feels under his mattress and removes a familiar black mask, and puts it on.

A bodyguard knocks on Mr. Rong's office door, then opens it. Rong sits inside, smoking a cigar. Dett, with mask on, enters. Rong nods to him. Dett removes his mask, and Rong raises his eyebrows in surprise. Dett lifts up his sleeve, revealing the wound on his right arm. Rong shrugs his shoulders, then opens the wall safe behind him. He shows Dett the yellow marker, with his signature on it. "$100,000.00 for services not rendered" it reads, then shows him the photo of Sin, which was attached to the marker. Dett points to the word "services", then bows. Rong points to the "$", and rubs his index and thumb together repeatedly before extending his hand, palm up. Dett frowns, and leaves. Rong smiles and puffs his cigar.

TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).


Dett, masked, watches over a Chinese temple-designed structure as Sin departs in his black sedan. Dett stands and walks towards the temple lair of Sin. Detts demands to see Sin, but the doorman says Sin just left. Dett slays him, and proceeds to battle Sin's men.

Sin returns to his temple lair, to find the heads of twelve of his men lined up on a long table. In front of the line is a single fat cigar. Sin screams in fury. Dett, watching from a rooftop across the street, nods, then leaves.

A montage of Sin's men waging war on Rong's casinos, brothels, and nightclubs march across the screen, with Dett watching from the shadows.

Dett sits in Rong's office, with a frowning Rong looking over the photo of Sin. Rong looks up at Dett and nods. Dett runs his finger across his own neck. Rong shakes his head. He snaps his fingers and BOLO, 23, a muscle-bound bare-chested hulk of a man lumbers forth carrying a suitcase. Bolo opens the case to reveal stacks upon stacks of $100 bills, then closes it again. Rong waves them both away. Dett points to his own yellow marker. Rong raises points to the money bag, then to the marker slip, then imitates tearing some paper in half. Dett nods and leaves with Bolo carrying the bag.

TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)


Bolo's car stops in front of Sin's temple lair. Dett opens the door to exit, but Bolo places a hand on Dett's shoulder to stop him. They sit in the car. Bolo stirs and takes the money bag in Dett's hands and waves him out. Dett enters the temple.

Sin sits in the main temple chamber, with a huge gong on one corner, and a massive bell in another. Fifty men stand in orderly lines on either side of Dett. Dett hands the money bag to one of Sin's bodyguards. Sin opens it and smiles. The smile fades as Sin takes out a bundle to reveal newspaper cutouts under a single bill. He throws the stack at Dett as fifty men surround him, weapons drawn. Sin throws the whole brief case onto the floor in disgust. A large black bundle rolls out along with the newspaper bundles. A clock is attached to the device, with the second hand ticking down four seconds to zero. Sin stares in disbelief.

Bolo rolls his car window up as it reflects a huge fireball ripping through the temple lair. The sedan drives off.


PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.


The temple is in ruins with bodies strewn about. A loud ringing resounds as Dett emerges from the massive metal bell, unscathed. He stumbles out of the ruins, spots Sin's black sedan, and hotwires it to drive away.

Dett gets a neat haircut, has a tailor custom-fit a suit, and tries on a pair of glasses. The disguised Dett enters a Chinese herb shop and speaks to the alchemist. The alchemist nods, takes down a clay jar of "tung oil" from the shelves, and sells it to Dett. In a hotel room Dett dips a blank yellow marker sheet into the tung oil and nods.

Dett sits at one of Rong's casino tables and feigns disappointment when he loses. Dett shows an empty wallet, and asks if he can leave a marker while pointing to "his" fine black sedan outside. The floor manager looks over the car outside, then Dett's new suit and wristwatch, and nods. The dealer hands Dett a blank yellow marker sheet which Dett deftly switches for his own tung oiled yellow marker, and fills in the information. Dett leaves, but is followed by one of Rong's men.

The marker is handed to the floor manager, placed in a lock box with other markers, placed in a sedan watched over by guards, carried into Rong's office, placed by Rong into his wall safe and locked away. All is dark until a small spark and wisp of smoke issues from Dett's yellow paper.

ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOUR ENEMY ENSUES.


Dett packs up his bags in the hotel, then carries them in both hands as he approaches the open door. Bolo is waiting there and clubs him over the head.

PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE

Dett is brought in to Mr. Rong. Thugs stand all around. Dett slowly regains consciousness to see a smiling, smoking Rong. Dett tries to rise, but is tied to a chair, arms behind his back. Rong nods at Bolo, who takes out a knife and approaches Dett. Dett claims his debt is paid, and demands to see the marker. Rong laughs, opens the safe to find only ash and some smoke.

Rong screams in fury over the loss of all his markers. He snatches the knife from Bolo's hand and lumbers to stand one foot away from Dett. Rong raises the knife as Dett suddenly raises his two legs and wraps them around Rong's hips, pulling Rong towards him. Dett turns his head and snatches the side of Rong's cigar out of his mouth, and turns his head again to jam the lit end into one of Rong's eye. Rong screams and drops the blade to the floor. Dett drops to the floor, chair and all, and rolls sideways so his hands pass over Rong's dropped blade to pick it up. Dett barrel-rolls into a stunned guard to topple him, and under the table where he deftly slices through his bonds. As the remaining guards look under the table, Dett emerges from the other side, knife in hand, and slices through his opponents, ending with another marvelously-choreographed battle against Bolo. Rong sees he's losing, and breaks to get away. Dett's got him and swings him through a plate glass window.Dett watches as Rong plunges to his death.

Yeah I know that was way too much description, but hey, it's the finale, and it's late.

OUTCOME


RESOLUTION


The police arrive to find a mass of bodies. They ignore Dett, dressed in one of the casual clothes of Rong's men, who saunder off into the dark.





#35 aroundworld

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Posted 31 October 2012 - 12:55 PM

I've been dealing with Hurricane Sandy the last couple of days, so I've been delayed in geting to your assignments. blink.gif

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#36 aroundworld

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Posted 31 October 2012 - 02:15 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Oct 29 2012, 06:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ACT I

We meet your character.

Peasant cottage lit by an oil lamp. MAGGY TREVALYCK is scraping bristles from pigskin and singing. BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM slaps her and Maggy stops singing. The slap has revealed a peculiar shaped birthmark hiding under Maggy's fringe. Maggy quickly hides it again.

MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III

We see a stone gatepost which has a strange carving under the lettering 'Foley Manor'. MAGGY stands fingering the carving and lifts her fringe unknowingly to touch her birthmark. The shape of the carving and birthmark match. Just then JAMES and his men gallop through. JAMES laughs as MAGGY is thrown pushed? into a muddy ditch.

Try to break the habit of using "We see".

MAGGY looks intently at the strange carving under the lettering 'Foley Manor' on a stone gatepost. She lifts her fringe unknowingly to touch her birthmark.

I used the word "carving", only once. smile.gif




PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.

The Manor is in flames. Maggy stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. It's Lady Foley. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled necklace. Maggy grabs the necklace and heads for the window - James bursts into the room, As Maggy open the window to leap out leaps from the window, a rush of air rushed through the room, lifting papers and fanning the flames.

The dead woman's fringe is blown back and we see an identical birthmark on her forehead. James jumps through the flames , then swings from a vine and lands in a pool of hounds and men on the driveway. The gang chase Maggy into the woods, where she is rescued by TOMMY, who pulls her out of their path at the last moment.


ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).

MAGGY and TOMMY are hiding out. MAGGY shows TOMMY the necklace, with the clasp in the same shape as the Foley birthmark. TOMMY is horrified..MAGGY doesn't understand the value of the item she took, they may both be hanged.


TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).

The Hounds pick up Maggy's scent and chase the pair to the edge of a lake. TOMMY drags Maggy to a boathouse on a small island. They hide-out but are found by Mr Pinkwhistle the gamekeeper. He takes them for common thieves when he spots the bracelet, but after they tell their story he reveals he also is trying to thwart James, who threw him out of his cottage.



TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)

MR PINKWHISTLE offers to help MAGGY find her true ancestry, if she and TOMMY will help him thwart James from taking over Foley Manor. The two heroes agree to steal incriminating documents which show James was responsible for burning down Foley Manor. The Hounds return and Mr Pinkwhistle can not divert them. James knocks the game keeper unconscious, then ties up Tommy and maggy in a small boat, knocks a hole in it and pushes them out on the lake. They sink beneath the water .

This is a good scene, you gave the necklace real significance by Tommy using it to save their lives. One observation here; wouldn't James search them for the necklace? Make sure it has a good hiding place.




PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.

James imagines they are gone & leaves, but Tommy uses the bracelet to cut through the ropes underwater, and he and Maggy swim to a nearby reedbed, where they find Mr P unconscious but alive. They drag him out of the water. They hear James talkign about hiding incriminating documents in the clock tower. Maggy's wet hair reveals her birthmark, and Tommy and Mr P suddenly realise the significance.

Cutting the rope with the necklace can work, just make sure the necklace is hidden cleverly where Tommy would be able to reach it ad James wouldn't find it.




ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOU ENEMY ENSUES.

TOMMY, MR P and MAGGY break into the INN where JAMES is staying and try to steal back the bracelet. TOMMY is injured and Mr P herds some noisy geese to divert attention as Tommy and Maggy break into James's room. Jame's takes Mr P for a local and rushes outside to shut him up.

In the rush maggy's dress is caught on a nail and james returns before they can get out. The two heroes are nearly caught & hide in a wardrobe, where Maggy finds a grand ballgown. She swaps her torn clothes and TOMMY is amazed by the transformation, she looks just like Lady Foley. MAGGY leaps out of the wardrobe in the middle of the night, pretends to be the ghost of Lady Foley and tricks JAMES into giving up the bracelet.


PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE

JAMES finds Maggy's discarded clothes, and he realizes he has been tricked. He realize MR P, TOMMY and MAGGY will head for the clock tower where JAMES hidden the secret documents.
He rounds up his men to give chase.




OUTCOME

JAMES shoots TOMMY, then falls to his death as the London Police arrive, having been alerted by MR PINKWHISTLE. The magistrate is arrested. In the grand dress all the local peasantry can see that MAGGY looks just like the Foley family, and the hidden documents prove that Lady Foley was her grandmother (her mother having been disowned for marrying beneath her station and then dying in childbirth)

This is pretty solid. I remember your original ending had Maggy trying to keep James from falling, but his greedy reach for her necklace sent him plummeting to his death. My vote would be to include that bit in this scene.



RESOLUTION


MAGGY is recognised as the true heir to the Foley Fortune and starts rebuilding Foley Manor and bringing the peasants back to their cottages. She and Tommy are married. Mr P is their butler. BRENDA RAMSBOTTOM is proved to be a co-conspiritor and is deported to australia to work on a pig farm.

SUGGESTION: I would give Mr. P a loftier position than butler. After all, he did risk his life for them. smile.gif


Over all you have a very strong foundation for a script here. You have really worked hard to turn your scene descriptions in to lean visual language. BRAVO!!! Take a bow!

What you did above was communicate the HEART OF YOUR STORY, and you did it with out a lot of bloated scene descriptions. You didn't tell me what they were wearing, sound or "looks here and there"... etc.

Everything you wrote communicated character, and their immediate situation.

REMEMBER, you only capitalize names when we first meet your characters in the story, after that write their names normally. Nice work!

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#37 kkffoo

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Posted 31 October 2012 - 02:34 PM

No wories teach, glad you are stilll in one piece!

#38 aroundworld

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Posted 31 October 2012 - 02:45 PM

QUOTE (JosephKw @ Oct 30 2012, 02:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ACT I

We meet your character.



BRUCE DETT, 25, in dark-clad garb and mask revealing only his eyes, stands in a dingy hallway. Three brawny Chinese men in suits see him and rushes him with knives and staves. Dett dispatches them in a flurry of blows and kicks down the door they were guarding.

The above is exactly what I'm asking for. IT'S UP TO YOU (obviously), IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS. Please go back and reduce the rest of your scenes in this exercise, the same way you did above. Except for PLOT POINT I (formerly your opening scene).

MASS SIN, 40, a Chinese man with a long Fu Manchu mustache dons a silk robe and stands in front of a large window, holding a Chinese sword. Dett draws a pair of nunchucks and whirls them about in a blur. Sin steps back, brings his sword to his own throat, and slashes. Blood spills down his neck and he staggers back and out the open window, and lands in the bushes below. Detts looks down on the body, turns to leave and stops to pick up Sin's sword, frowning. Dett smells and tastes the blood, and spits it out, then pushes the sword's fake retractable tip in. Outside, Sin is gone.


MIDWAY

Their life is interrupted, but they learn something that saves them in ACT III


Dett, still in his assassin's garb, stands before WU, 60, who is being massaged by a two beautiful girls. Wu's office is filled with broadsword-wielding bodyguards. Wu glances at Dett, and slides a photo of Mr. Sin across the table to him. Dett looks down, then up at Wu, and shakes his head in shame. Wu slams his fist on the table, then slides a yellow slip of paper to Dett, who signs it. The guard takes the yellow paper to Wu, who places it in a wall safe behind him.

A shadow falls across the room and a man appears outside the office window, swinging on a rope to smash into the room. Many more men swing in and battle Wu's bodyguards. One throws a spearhead-shaped dart at Dett, who ducks out of the way. After a beautifully-choreographed kung fu battle, the attackers escape through the windows and slide down the ropes to escape. Dett looks around and sees Wu dead, with a spear dart between his eyes. Outside, Dett watches the fleeing assassins hop onto a pickup truck, which drives off. Behind, a black sedan follows--in the rear seat is a smiling Mr. Sin.

Fat dapper, MR. RONG, age 50, in a handsome suit enters Wu's office, smoking a cigar. He bows to the dead Wu, who is carried away, then looks at the Wu's remaining bodyguards. They bow to him. Rong sits in Wu's chair, and snaps his finger. The two beautiful masseuses quickly come to massage Rong.

PLOT POINT I

PLACE YOUR OPENING SCENE HERE. (the one you worked earlier in the semester) This is now your inciting incident that launches your character into act 2.


A cigar is raised by Rong. Cigar-shaped batons are held, one each, by four burly men in wife-beaters, standing two each to the side of Mr. Rong. Dett, now in misfitting casual wear and his face fully-revealed for the first time, walks around a corner to face Rong and his men. Dett stops as the burly men spread out to surround him.

The men raise their batons, and glance at Mr. Rong, who nods. The batons descend. The sound of fighting ensues. One by one each baton falls to the floor. Dett stands among four motionless bodies. Mr. Rong drops his jaw--the cigar falls out and hits the floor. Dett's foot descends upon it, crushing it. A pool of water reflects the fleeing Mr. Rong.


ACT II

Your character tries to grasp what has happened to them. (remember our earlier exercise).


Dett sits in a filthy tenement, dressing a minor wound on his right arm. He stands up, feels under his mattress and removes a familiar black mask, and puts it on.

A bodyguard knocks on Mr. Rong's office door, then opens it. Rong sits inside, smoking a cigar. Dett, with mask on, enters. Rong nods to him. Dett removes his mask, and Rong raises his eyebrows in surprise. Dett lifts up his sleeve, revealing the wound on his right arm. Rong shrugs his shoulders, then opens the wall safe behind him. He shows Dett the yellow marker, with his signature on it. "$100,000.00 for services not rendered" it reads, then shows him the photo of Sin, which was attached to the marker. Dett points to the word "services", then bows. Rong points to the "$", and rubs his index and thumb together repeatedly before extending his hand, palm up. Dett frowns, and leaves. Rong smiles and puffs his cigar.

TURN AROUND 1

They have an encounter with the enemy but in the process meet someone that will help them. (remember our earlier exercise).


Dett, masked, watches over a Chinese temple-designed structure as Sin departs in his black sedan. Dett stands and walks towards the temple lair of Sin. Detts demands to see Sin, but the doorman says Sin just left. Dett slays him, and proceeds to battle Sin's men.

Sin returns to his temple lair, to find the heads of twelve of his men lined up on a long table. In front of the line is a single fat cigar. Sin screams in fury. Dett, watching from a rooftop across the street, nods, then leaves.

A montage of Sin's men waging war on Rong's casinos, brothels, and nightclubs march across the screen, with Dett watching from the shadows.

Dett sits in Rong's office, with a frowning Rong looking over the photo of Sin. Rong looks up at Dett and nods. Dett runs his finger across his own neck. Rong shakes his head. He snaps his fingers and BOLO, 23, a muscle-bound bare-chested hulk of a man lumbers forth carrying a suitcase. Bolo opens the case to reveal stacks upon stacks of $100 bills, then closes it again. Rong waves them both away. Dett points to his own yellow marker. Rong raises points to the money bag, then to the marker slip, then imitates tearing some paper in half. Dett nods and leaves with Bolo carrying the bag.

TURN AROUND 2

Your character's are seemingly defeated. (Remember our earlier exercise)


Bolo's car stops in front of Sin's temple lair. Dett opens the door to exit, but Bolo places a hand on Dett's shoulder to stop him. They sit in the car. Bolo stirs and takes the money bag in Dett's hands and waves him out. Dett enters the temple.

Sin sits in the main temple chamber, with a huge gong on one corner, and a massive bell in another. Fifty men stand in orderly lines on either side of Dett. Dett hands the money bag to one of Sin's bodyguards. Sin opens it and smiles. The smile fades as Sin takes out a bundle to reveal newspaper cutouts under a single bill. He throws the stack at Dett as fifty men surround him, weapons drawn. Sin throws the whole brief case onto the floor in disgust. A large black bundle rolls out along with the newspaper bundles. A clock is attached to the device, with the second hand ticking down four seconds to zero. Sin stares in disbelief.

Bolo rolls his car window up as it reflects a huge fireball ripping through the temple lair. The sedan drives off.


PLOT POINT II

REFER TO EARLIER EXERCISE.


The temple is in ruins with bodies strewn about. A loud ringing resounds as Dett emerges from the massive metal bell, unscathed. He stumbles out of the ruins, spots Sin's black sedan, and hotwires it to drive away.

Dett gets a neat haircut, has a tailor custom-fit a suit, and tries on a pair of glasses. The disguised Dett enters a Chinese herb shop and speaks to the alchemist. The alchemist nods, takes down a clay jar of "tung oil" from the shelves, and sells it to Dett. In a hotel room Dett dips a blank yellow marker sheet into the tung oil and nods.

Dett sits at one of Rong's casino tables and feigns disappointment when he loses. Dett shows an empty wallet, and asks if he can leave a marker while pointing to "his" fine black sedan outside. The floor manager looks over the car outside, then Dett's new suit and wristwatch, and nods. The dealer hands Dett a blank yellow marker sheet which Dett deftly switches for his own tung oiled yellow marker, and fills in the information. Dett leaves, but is followed by one of Rong's men.

The marker is handed to the floor manager, placed in a lock box with other markers, placed in a sedan watched over by guards, carried into Rong's office, placed by Rong into his wall safe and locked away. All is dark until a small spark and wisp of smoke issues from Dett's yellow paper.

ACT III

THE FIGHT WITH YOUR ENEMY ENSUES.


Dett packs up his bags in the hotel, then carries them in both hands as he approaches the open door. Bolo is waiting there and clubs him over the head.

PLACE YOUR ENDING SCENE HERE

Dett is brought in to Mr. Rong. Thugs stand all around. Dett slowly regains consciousness to see a smiling, smoking Rong. Dett tries to rise, but is tied to a chair, arms behind his back. Rong nods at Bolo, who takes out a knife and approaches Dett. Dett claims his debt is paid, and demands to see the marker. Rong laughs, opens the safe to find only ash and some smoke.

Rong screams in fury over the loss of all his markers. He snatches the knife from Bolo's hand and lumbers to stand one foot away from Dett. Rong raises the knife as Dett suddenly raises his two legs and wraps them around Rong's hips, pulling Rong towards him. Dett turns his head and snatches the side of Rong's cigar out of his mouth, and turns his head again to jam the lit end into one of Rong's eye. Rong screams and drops the blade to the floor. Dett drops to the floor, chair and all, and rolls sideways so his hands pass over Rong's dropped blade to pick it up. Dett barrel-rolls into a stunned guard to topple him, and under the table where he deftly slices through his bonds. As the remaining guards look under the table, Dett emerges from the other side, knife in hand, and slices through his opponents, ending with another marvelously-choreographed battle against Bolo. Rong sees he's losing, and breaks to get away. Dett's got him and swings him through a plate glass window.Dett watches as Rong plunges to his death.

Yeah I know that was way too much description, but hey, it's the finale, and it's late.

OUTCOME


RESOLUTION


The police arrive to find a mass of bodies. They ignore Dett, dressed in one of the casual clothes of Rong's men, who saunder off into the dark.


This is more of an outline than a three act scene beat, which is what I asked for. Having said that, it's obvious you understand your story and it's a pretty solid representation of your vision. However, It's not helping you if you don't apply what we've been discussing. blink.gif

The first scene in your assignment, as I mentioned at the top, is what I'm looking for. Please give this another shot, and apply what "I know you've learned". smile.gif


P.S.

Once again, great job on your Lovecraft adaptation!


There is no try, only do or do not.

 

Learn story telling in the MOVIESTORM education forum. 

 

START HERE:  http://www.moviestor...showtopic=13153


#39 aroundworld

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Posted 31 October 2012 - 04:06 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Oct 31 2012, 02:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No wories teach, glad you are stilll in one piece!


Thank you, kate! smile.gif

There is no try, only do or do not.

 

Learn story telling in the MOVIESTORM education forum. 

 

START HERE:  http://www.moviestor...showtopic=13153


#40 squirrelygirl

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Posted 01 November 2012 - 05:58 AM

Second Try:

ACT I

We meed teenage BRIANA WESTRAM who is of obvious wealth, but more interested in archery and riding horses bareback than what is acceptable for young medieval ladies. Her father constantly voices concern over her actions.


MIDWAY

The Castle is under attack. Lord Westram asks his manservant to get his children to safety. Briana does not want to leave her father, but he tells her she has to be strong like the girl in the story of the talisman he has told her since she was young. The manservant sneaks them out through the catacombs and takes them back to his home to hide until he can get them out of the city.


PLOT POINT I

Four knights advance on a medieval style cottage. Inside a middle aged man and woman hide Briana and Thomas in a crawlspace under the floor. The knights break into the cottage followed by a merciless man. This is CARAC FENDREL. He tries to gain the location of the children. When the the manservant and his wife are unhelpful he kills them. Meanwhile Briana and Thomas try to escape, but are seen by the knights and pursued. Briana is injured and Thomas is captured.

ACT II

Briana is rescued by MARCUS DEVLIN, a man faithful to her father. He thinks her family is dead and wants to get her to safety. She thinks they are still alive, but Marcus wants to get her to safety before trying to find out if her father and brother are still alive. After she realizes he won't change his mind she pretends to agree with him, but makes her escape the first chance she gets.


TURN AROUND 1

She disguises herself and enters the castle to try to rescue her family. Meanwhile Marcus makes his way to the castle to look for her. She looks for her family in the dungeon, taking out a few guards with her arrows in the process, but only finds some of her father's knights. Before she can look further she is captured. Marcus finds her and with his help she overpowers her captors. They take the keys and releases the five knights.


TURN AROUND 2

One of the rescued knights heard Carac talking about a talisman. Briana thought the talisman was just a story, but would seem that she was wrong. The talisman can bring forth an army of the dead. When she reveals the story to the knights they don't believe it, but Marcus swears that it is true. They think Carac wants to use the army to overpower the king and gain control of the country. With Thomas in Carac's clutches they are sure her father will give in. Briana realizes that her father told her where the talisman is in the story he used to tell her. She is about to tell the knights when she overhears them talking about her father and the great warrior he used to be in battle. She decides to prove herself by going after the talisman alone.


PLOT POINT II

Briana goes after the talisman, but she doesn't know that Marcus is following her. Carac also finds out where the talisman is. He takes some men to retrieve it. Briana reaches it first because she is the only one small enough to fit through the crawlspace to reach it, but when she comes back out of the crawlspace she is trapped by Carac and his men. Marcus has been watching and when she comes back out he helps her escape.


ACT III

Briana has the talisman and she wants to destroy it, but Carac spreads word throughout the city that if she does not give him the talisman by noon her brother and father will hang. She argues with the man about what to do. The knights want her to use the talisman to destroy Carac, but Marcus thinks that using the talisman would change Briana. She has a hard time sleeping and sneaks out of the camp to think about what to do. While she is alone she is captured by some of Carac's men.


Briana is taken to Carac. He takes the talisman from her. She insists that he let her father and brother go, but he has decided to use her brother in the ritual to activate the talisman. He is going to do it that night. Briana is locked up until then. Marcus and the knights realize what happened and sneak in through the catacombs. They help Briana escape and go after Carac, but they don't know where he is until Briana remembers from the story. They find Carac as he's about to sacrifice Thomas. Briana destroys the amulet which also destroys Carac because he was in the middle of the ritual. When Carac dies his men run off. Marcus releases Lord Westram.


Briana has always felt out of place like the girl in the talisman story. Her father explains that like the girl in the talisman story Briana had a destiny and although she might be different from other young girls he would rather have her for a daughter than anyone else.

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