We meed teenage BRIANA WESTRAM who is of obvious wealth, but more interested in archery and riding horses bareback than what is acceptable for young medieval ladies. Her father constantly voices concern over her actions.
The Castle is under attack. Lord Westram asks his manservant to get his children to safety. Briana does not want to leave her father, but he tells her she has to be strong like the girl in the story of the talisman he has told her since she was young. The manservant sneaks them out through the catacombs and takes them back to his home to hide until he can get them out of the city.
PLOT POINT I
Four knights advance on a medieval style cottage. Inside a middle aged man and woman hide Briana and Thomas in a crawlspace under the floor. The knights break into the cottage followed by a merciless man. This is CARAC FENDREL. He tries to gain the location of the children. When the the manservant and his wife are unhelpful he kills them. Meanwhile Briana and Thomas try to escape, but are seen by the knights and pursued. Briana is injured and Thomas is captured.
When the the manservant and his wife refuse to cooperate he kills them.
Always ask yourself, "what word is stronger? What word communicates vivid conflict?
Which word is stronger; unhelpful, or refuse?
I go through this process each time, after I get the initial idea on the page.
Briana is rescued by MARCUS DEVLIN, a man faithful to her father. He thinks her family is dead and wants to get her to safety. She thinks they are still alive, but Marcus wants to get her to safety before trying to find out if her father and brother are still alive. After she realizes he won't change his mind she pretends to agree with him, but makes her escape the first chance she gets.
TURN AROUND 1
She disguises herself and enters the castle to try to rescue her family. Meanwhile Marcus makes his way to the castle to look for her. She looks for her family in the dungeon, taking out a few guards with her arrows in the process, but only finds some of her father's knights. Before she can look further she is captured. Marcus finds her and with his help she overpowers her captors. They take the keys and releases the five knights.
TURN AROUND 2
One of the rescued knights heard Carac talking about a talisman. Briana thought the talisman was just a story, but would seem that she was wrong. The talisman can bring forth an army of the dead. When she reveals the story to the knights they don't believe it, but Marcus swears that it is true. They think Carac wants to use the army to overpower the king and gain control of the country. With Thomas in Carac's clutches they are sure her father will give in. Briana realizes that her father told her where the talisman is in the story he used to tell her. She is about to tell the knights when she overhears them talking about her father and the great warrior he used to be in battle. She decides to prove herself by going after the talisman alone.
PLOT POINT II
Briana goes after the talisman, but she doesn't know that Marcus is following her. Carac also finds out where the talisman is. He takes some men to retrieve it. Briana reaches it first because she is the only one small enough to fit through the crawlspace to reach it, but when she comes back out of the crawlspace she is trapped by Carac and his men. Marcus has been watching and when she comes back out he helps her escape.
Briana has the talisman and she wants to destroy it, but Carac spreads word throughout the city that if she does not give him the talisman by noon her brother and father will hang. She argues with the man about what to do. The knights want her to use the talisman to destroy Carac, but Marcus thinks that using the talisman would change Briana. She has a hard time sleeping and sneaks out of the camp to think about what to do. While she is alone she is captured by some of Carac's men.
Briana is taken to Carac. He takes the talisman from her. She insists that he let her father and brother go, but he has decided to use her brother in the ritual to activate the talisman. He is going to do it that night. Briana is locked up until then. Marcus and the knights realize what happened and sneak in through the catacombs. They help Briana escape and go after Carac, but they don't know where he is until Briana remembers from the story. They find Carac as he's about to sacrifice Thomas. Briana destroys the amulet which also destroys Carac because he was in the middle of the ritual. When Carac dies his men run off. Marcus releases Lord Westram.
Wouldn't Carac's men know where the catacombs are by now? Wouldn't they be guarding this area? Is there a more dangerous way in? Always raise the conflict!
SUGGESTION: Having Briana be used as the sacrifice instead of Tommy, this would up the conflict a bit more. Remember, you want to put your hero in circumstances beyond their control!
We haven't seen Tommy since he was captured, so letting him fight would give a chance to get back at Carac.
What happened to her father?
Briana has always felt out of place like the girl in the talisman story. Her father explains that like the girl in the talisman story Briana had a destiny and although she might be different from other young girls he would rather have her for a daughter than anyone else.
You wrote concise scene beats that gave me the core of the story. You didn't fill it in with clothes, dialog and sound effects. BRAVO!
Thank you for working so hard!