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SCREEN WRITING CLASS - MODULE 3


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#61 squirrelygirl

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Posted 13 September 2012 - 06:26 PM

Ext. - Small Medieval Village - Night

Four men wearing chain-mail fan out to surround a cottage.

They draw their swords and advance.

Int. - Cottage - Under the Floor - Night

A teenage girl and a young boy crouch in the dirt illuminated by the slitted light streaming between the floor boards. They are BRIANA and THOMAS WESTRAM.

Briana holds Thomas close as they gaze up through the cracks in the floor boards.

The front door BURSTS open.

Briana clamps her hand over Thomas' mouth.

Through the floor boards a middle aged couple can be seen holding each other as the four men in chain-mail enter brandishing swords. The four men are SWORDSMAN 1, SWORDSMAN 2, SWORDSMAN 3, and SWORDSMAN 4.

Swordsman 1 grabs the middle aged man and Swordsman 2 grabs the middle aged woman. She screams.

Int. - Cottage - Night

A daunting man with a hard face and pitiless eyes enters. His presence frightens everyone in the room. This is CARAC FENDREL.

Carac walks around examining the room as he removes his gloves.

He stops between the man and woman gazing from one to the other for a beat.

He pulls his sword and thrusts it into the man's stomach. The woman screams as the man crumbles to the floor.



Okay, that's it for now because I'm going to need to add dialogue soon. I might have added too much, not sure. smile.gif

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#62 aroundworld

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Posted 13 September 2012 - 08:41 PM

QUOTE (squirrelygirl @ Sep 13 2012, 06:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ext. - Small Medieval Village - Night

Four men wearing chain-mail fan out to surround a cottage.

They draw their swords and advance.

Int. - Cottage - Under the Floor - Night

A teenage girl and a young boy crouch in the dirt illuminated by the slitted light streaming between the floor boards. They are BRIANA and THOMAS WESTRAM.

Briana holds Thomas close as they gaze up through the cracks in the floor boards.

The front door BURSTS open.

Briana clamps her hand over Thomas' mouth.

Through the floor boards a middle aged couple can be seen holding each other as the four men in chain-mail enter brandishing swords. The four men are SWORDSMAN 1, SWORDSMAN 2, SWORDSMAN 3, and SWORDSMAN 4.

Swordsman 1 grabs the middle aged man and Swordsman 2 grabs the middle aged woman. She screams.

Int. - Cottage - Night

You don't need the extra slug-line. We're already in the cottage. smile.gif

A daunting man with a hard face and pitiless eyes enters. His presence frightens everyone in the room. This is CARAC FENDREL.

Carac walks around examining the room as he removes his gloves.

He stops between the man and woman gazing from one to the other for a beat.

If you plan on submitting a script (or just for reference sake), this is not done. I know you saw it in a book somewhere, but in the real world of getting a script read, just show us what is happening the director/producer...etc, will get the drama.

He pulls his sword and thrusts it into the man's stomach. The woman screams as the man crumbles to the floor.



Okay, that's it for now because I'm going to need to add dialogue soon. I might have added too much, not sure. smile.gif


Great! I love the fact that there are kids hiding under the floor.

You still don't need dialog. Here's my immediate reaction to help sew this up:

Because the girl seems to be in charge, I would have her point to an escape rout.

The girl and boy push away a small foundation stone or plank...etc, and make there way out of the crawl space. As they leave maybe the girl drops a pouch or something. This will increase audience interest BEYOND rooting for the kids to get away.

She picks it up, they're almost caught. They go and steal one of the horses and walk him to the edge of the wood, then they're off.

There's the end of your scene. You can always change it! smile.gif

THANK YOU! GOOD JOB!



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#63 aroundworld

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Posted 13 September 2012 - 09:06 PM

QUOTE (rgr @ Sep 12 2012, 04:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This is really a lot of fun. I have another revision. I'm trying to hone in on something in my head, but also trying to use what I'm learning with each iteration. Thanks again for your patience!


CABAL, 20, unshaven, in tattered denim and a dirty pocket T. Wakes up on the floor of a cheap motel room. He's clutching a hash pipe. He tosses the pipe away, gets up and groggily surveys the room. There are 3 bikers passed out, empty whiskey bottles strewn about, and an old acoustic guitar face down on the floor. The shades are drawn.

Cabal carefully searches the bikers. He finds some money and cigarets and puts them in his pocket, keeps searching. He finds a small locker key in the vest of one of the bikers, drops it in his shirt pocket and turns to leave. He pauses, looks back at the guitar, grabs it and opens the door. A blinding light shines in. He reaches back and snatches a pair of sun glasses off the head of one of the bikers and heads out into the light, closing the door behind him.


This is your strongest yet. BRAVO!!!!!

We'll keep the hash-pipe for now. rolleyes.gif

What I want you to ask yourself (I mean that), ask yourself: Will the audience really know whether it's a hash-pipe or marijuana pipe, probably not? The reason I'm being a stickler here: I just want you AND YOUR CLASSMATES, to become very choosey about how you express what is on the page VISUALLY. REMEMBER! THIS IS NOT GOING TO STAY ON THE PAGE! ohmy.gif

It's going to be in your film!!!! laugh.gif

BELIEVE ME, when you are more discriminating about what is PROPERLY WRITTEN in your screenplay, you'll think twice about how you present it on the screen.

Great job Rgr!!!!

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#64 aroundworld

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Posted 13 September 2012 - 09:19 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Sep 13 2012, 07:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm actually struggling to write more. Every direction I take seems to need dialogue.



Here's my gut reaction to Maggy being in the stream:

We're writing in treatment form at the moment so this isn't a problem.

After the crowd clears and the dogs have been called away, I would have Maggy climb that ancient tree. She gets her breath on a limb. She sees a wagon loaded with hay being driven by a singing farmer, coming on the path. As it passes beneath her, she jumps! Lands in the hay and secretly rides off into the next scene.


Change it if you like! smile.gif Hope that helps!


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#65 kkffoo

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 07:52 AM

That's a great idea, I'll work on that!

#66 squirrelygirl

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 09:13 AM

Ext. - Small Medieval Village - Night

Four men wearing chain-mail fan out to surround a cottage.

They draw their swords and advance.

Int. - Cottage - Under the Floor - Night

A teenage girl and a young boy crouch in the dirt illuminated by the slitted light streaming between the floor boards. They are BRIANA and THOMAS WESTRAM.

Briana holds Thomas close as they gaze up through the cracks in the floor boards.

The front door BURSTS open.

Briana clamps her hand over Thomas' mouth.

Through the floor boards a middle aged couple can be seen holding each other as the four men in chain-mail enter brandishing swords. The four men are SWORDSMAN 1, SWORDSMAN 2, SWORDSMAN 3, and SWORDSMAN 4.

Swordsman 1 grabs the middle aged man and Swordsman 2 grabs the middle aged woman. She screams.

A daunting man with a hard face and pitiless eyes enters. His presence frightens everyone in the room. This is CARAC FENDREL.

Carac walks around examining the room as he removes his gloves.

He stops between the man and woman gazing from one to the other.

He pulls his sword and thrusts it into the man's stomach. The woman screams as the man crumbles to the floor.

Under the floor boards Briana released Thomas. She motions for Thomas to keep quiet then crawls to the far side. Thomas follows.

Briana pushes a stone out of the wall. She pokes her head out and looks around.

Horses are tethered near the door. No one is around.

Briana climbs out of the opening then helps Thomas out.

They sneak to the horses. Briana un-tethers a horse and begins to mount it.

Swordsman 3 yells from inside the cottage. Briana looks back. All four Swordsmen followed by Carac pour from the cottage.

Briana grabs Thomas' arm and pulls him up to sit in front of her. She kicks the horse and they race down the dark street.

Carac and the Swordsmen mount their horses and give chase.

Briana's horse races through the streets as Carac and the Swordsmen close the distance. They break from the village into an open field and head for the forest.

Carac's horse speeds ahead of the Swordsmen. He pulls his sword.

Carac reaches Briana and Thomas just before they enter the forest. He slashes at their horse thrusting his sword into the animal's neck. The horse screams and rears up. Briana and Thomas tumble to the ground. As Briana lands her head hits a rock with a CRACK.

Carac dismounts. He grabs Thomas, lifting the boy off the ground by the back of his tunic. Thomas struggles, but Carac ignores him.

Carac remounts, turns his horse, and heads back to the village with Thomas. The Swordsmen follow.

As Briana lays unconscious next to a dying horse a cloaked figure steps out of the forest. In the moonlight the cloaked figure is revealed to be a man of roughly 50-65 years old, but obviously fit.

He watches Carac and the Swordsmen for a moment then makes his way to Briana. He lifts the girl into his arms and carries her into the forest.

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#67 JosephKw

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 10:37 AM

Ok, here's my rewrite...

A cigar is raised by fat dapper MR. RONG, age 50, in a handsome suit. Cigar-shaped batons are held, one each, by four burly men in wife-beaters, standing two each to the side of Mr. Rong. MR. DETT, age 20, with head bowed down and misfitting casual wear, walks around a corner to face MR. RONG and his men. Dett stops as the burly men spread out to surround him.

The men raise their batons, and glance at Mr. Rong, who nods. The batons descend. The sound of fighting ensues. One by one each baton falls to the floor. Dett stands among four motionless bodies. Mr. Rong drops his jaw--the cigar falls out and hits the floor. Dett's foot descends upon it, crushing it. A pool of water reflects the fleeing Mr. Rong.

#68 kkffoo

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 12:42 PM

Flames consume an old mansion. A young peasant girl stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled bracelet.
The double doors of the library burst open, a mob of servants, led by James the butler, rush in but are repelled by the flames and choking smoke, just as Maggy leaps from the first floor window, the bracelet in her hand.
Maggy speeds across driveway, heading for the wood.
The mob emerge from the flaming manor, led by James and surrounded by excited, barking dogs.
Maggy dives into a stream and hides under the root of an ancient tree.
The butler halts the mob nearby and gestures the hounds ahead.

The dogs spread out, three dogs jump into the stream.
Maggy edges away round the tree.
She is trapped against a steep mud bank as the dogs approach.
A hand grabs her from behind, covering her mouth.
Tommy the young poacher.
He throws a dead rabbit to distract the dogs and lifts Maggy up the bank.

The dogs are confounded, and Maggy and Tommy get away.

_______________________________________________________________________

I started with Maggy up the tree, thenadded Tommy, then realised it was easier for them to get away if they were on the ground.

#69 rgr

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 05:50 PM

QUOTE (JosephKw @ Sep 14 2012, 10:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A pool of water reflects the fleeing Mr. Rong.


I'm not sure if we should comment on each other's work, but I really love this line.

rgr

#70 aroundworld

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 08:39 PM

QUOTE (squirrelygirl @ Sep 14 2012, 09:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ext. - Small Medieval Village - Night

Four men wearing chain-mail fan out to surround a cottage.

They draw their swords and advance.

Int. - Cottage - Under the Floor - Night

A teenage girl and a young boy crouch in the dirt illuminated by the slitted light streaming between the floor boards. They are BRIANA and THOMAS WESTRAM.

Briana holds Thomas close as they gaze up through the cracks in the floor boards.

The front door BURSTS open.

Briana clamps her hand over Thomas' mouth.

Through the floor boards a middle aged couple can be seen holding each other as the four men in chain-mail enter brandishing swords. The four men are SWORDSMAN 1, SWORDSMAN 2, SWORDSMAN 3, and SWORDSMAN 4.

Swordsman 1 grabs the middle aged man and Swordsman 2 grabs the middle aged woman. She screams.

A daunting man with a hard face and pitiless eyes enters. His presence frightens everyone in the room. This is CARAC FENDREL.

Carac walks around examining the room as he removes his gloves.

He stops between the man and woman gazing from one to the other.

He pulls his sword and thrusts it into the man's stomach. The woman screams as the man crumbles to the floor.

Under the floor boards Briana released Thomas. She motions for Thomas to keep quiet then crawls to the far side. Thomas follows.

Briana pushes a stone out of the wall. She pokes her head out and looks around.

Horses are tethered near the door. No one is around.

Briana climbs out of the opening then helps Thomas out.

They sneak to the horses. Briana un-tethers a horse and begins to mount it.

Swordsman 3 yells from inside the cottage. Briana looks back. All four Swordsmen followed by Carac pour from the cottage.

Briana grabs Thomas' arm and pulls him up to sit in front of her. She kicks the horse and they race down the dark street.

Carac and the Swordsmen mount their horses and give chase.

Briana's horse races through the streets as Carac and the Swordsmen close the distance. They break from the village into an open field and head for the forest.

Carac's horse speeds ahead of the Swordsmen. He pulls his sword.

Carac reaches Briana and Thomas just before they enter the forest. He slashes at their horse thrusting his sword into the animal's neck. The horse screams and rears up. Briana and Thomas tumble to the ground. As Briana lands her head hits a rock with a CRACK.

Carac dismounts. He grabs Thomas, lifting the boy off the ground by the back of his tunic. Thomas struggles, but Carac ignores him.

Carac remounts, turns his horse, and heads back to the village with Thomas. The Swordsmen follow.

As Briana lays unconscious next to a dying horse a cloaked figure steps out of the forest. In the moonlight the cloaked figure is revealed to be a man of roughly 50-65 years old, but obviously fit.

He watches Carac and the Swordsmen for a moment then makes his way to Briana. He lifts the girl into his arms and carries her into the forest.


Great ending to your scene!! BRAVO!:)


A few things; You don't need to identify SWORDSMAN...1,2 ,3 ,4... just "four swordsmen" will do for now.

Please, no more slug-lines blink.gif

In treatment form; which is what we've loosely been writing in, (it's more prosey), you don't have to ID each room with a slug-line. Once you tell us the kids are in the crawl space we know they're there.

As a bonus wink.gif (we'll cover this more later), here's how you would handle moving from room to room in a screen play:

INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN. DAY

Julie hangs up the phone to answer the door.

LIVING-ROOM

She moves to the door gracefully, the knocks come more insistently.

BATHROOM - UPSTAIRS

DEBBY, a dark haired beauty, stops applying eyeliner to eavesdrop on Julie's rapid-fire words.
-----------------

I moved Julie from the kitchen to the living-room, then moved the "camera" upstairs to the bathroom with out slowing down the read with new slug-lines. ONCE YOU GO OUTSIDE, or change to a new location (park, bar another house...etc. Then you would write another slug-line.


The above (in script form) is how it's done in the real world. What I've written is NOT ABOUT STYLE. It's about mechanics. There's a huge difference.

BUT FOR NOW. Please lets stick to treatment form, it's every bit as important as writing in script format. smile.gif





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#71 aroundworld

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 09:01 PM

QUOTE (JosephKw @ Sep 14 2012, 10:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ok, here's my rewrite...

A cigar is raised by fat dapper MR. RONG, age 50, in a handsome suit. Cigar-shaped batons are held, one each, by four burly men in wife-beaters, standing two each to the side of Mr. Rong. MR. DETT, age 20, with head bowed down and misfitting casual wear, walks around a corner to face MR. RONG and his men. Dett stops as the burly men spread out to surround him.

The men raise their batons, and glance at Mr. Rong, who nods. The batons descend. The sound of fighting ensues. One by one each baton falls to the floor. Dett stands among four motionless bodies. Mr. Rong drops his jaw--the cigar falls out and hits the floor. Dett's foot descends upon it, crushing it. A pool of water reflects the fleeing Mr. Rong.


Nice turn around at the end of the scene JK! OOoo, Dett has whacked the the beehive! Mr. Rong won't take this lying down I hope! laugh.gif

You don't have to change your writing BUT please take note of the mechanics we discussed earlier. smile.gif

TO EVERYONE. Always ask yourself; Does my writing communicate "words" or the SOUL of what this scene is about?


As Rgr pointed out, nice visual in the puddle and economical writing there. There are some places where your descriptions could be trimmed, but overall great job, good progress! GO back a read the notes form other sections of our class. smile.gif



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#72 aroundworld

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 09:03 PM

TO EVERYONE. Always ask yourself; Does my writing communicate "words" or the SOUL of what this scene is about?

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#73 aroundworld

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 09:07 PM

QUOTE (rgr @ Sep 14 2012, 05:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure if we should comment on each other's work, but I really love this line.

rgr



That's a good observation Rgr! And yes, in Module 4 we'll comment on each others work. ohmy.gif smile.gif

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#74 aroundworld

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 09:23 PM

QUOTE (kkffoo @ Sep 14 2012, 12:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Flames consume an old mansion. A young peasant girl stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled bracelet.
The double doors of the library burst open, a mob of servants, led by James the butler, rush in but are repelled by the flames and choking smoke, just as Maggy leaps from the first floor window, the bracelet in her hand.
Maggy speeds across driveway, heading for the wood.
The mob emerge from the flaming manor, led by James and surrounded by excited, barking dogs.
Maggy dives into a stream and hides under the root of an ancient tree.
The butler halts the mob nearby and gestures the hounds ahead.

The dogs spread out, three dogs jump into the stream.
Maggy edges away round the tree.
She is trapped against a steep mud bank as the dogs approach.
A hand grabs her from behind, covering her mouth.
Tommy the young poacher.
He throws a dead rabbit to distract the dogs and lifts Maggy up the bank.

The dogs are confounded, and Maggy and Tommy get away.

_______________________________________________________________________

I started with Maggy up the tree, thenadded Tommy, then realised it was easier for them to get away if they were on the ground.


I like your ending better than mine, and you're right, it is easier to get away. I like that she's pulled from the water. Sterling job!

Read the notes on your last effort. Compare this version (with exception to the end of the scene) to the one we discussed with words taken away. Changing it is up to you, BUT. I want you to stay mindful of economic writing. smile.gif



Flames consume an old mansion. A young peasant girl stumbles through smoke, choking for air. Her dirty foot brushes against a dead woman's hand. She's repulsed until flames glint off the woman's jeweled bracelet. The double doors of the library burst open, a mob of servants, led by James the butler, rush in but are repelled by the flames and choking smoke, just as Maggy leaps from the first floor window, the bracelet in her hand. Maggy speeds across driveway, heading for the wood.

The mob emerge from the flaming manor, led by James and surrounded by excited, barking dogs.
Maggy dives into a stream and hides under the root of an ancient tree. The butler halts the mob nearby and gestures the hounds ahead. The dogs spread out, three dogs jump into the stream. Maggy edges away round the tree. She is trapped against a steep mud bank as the dogs approach. A hand grabs her from behind, covering her mouth. Tommy the young poacher. He throws a dead rabbit to distract the dogs and lifts Maggy up the bank. The dogs are confounded, and Maggy and Tommy get away.



[color="#4169E1"]TO EVERYONE. from now on the above is how I would like to see all of your work. Pretty please!;)

I want to see that format because we'll be turning your stories into small treatments for a screen plays and this form works best for our purposes and it's the real world.




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#75 aroundworld

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Posted 14 September 2012 - 10:07 PM



All of you are writing strong visuals and THANK YOU for making the effort to apply what we've covered. smile.gif


Before we move on to MOD 4, I want to discuss how each of you can make your first scenes pay off at the end of your film.

Maggie's bracelet: How does Tommy the poacher help, how does the bracelet pay off?

Mr. Dett: How does he handle Mr. Rong's revenge; who wins and why? (The payoff)

Briana and Thomas: Are they reunited? What did the children have that Carac wanted? How does that pay off?

Cabal's key and old guitar: What happens in the last scene that makes those objects significant?


You each have very strong first scenes! WELL DONE! Each of you set up the audience to EXPECT something. Each of you PLANTED the idea that something more was important about a person or object and we need to find out what. We know each life had a routine. It was interrupted by; fire, swordsmen, Mr. Rong, Bikers. So, we're waiting for the pay off. cool.gif


So, HOW DO WE AVOID THE STORY FLAW! At the end of the movie, your FIRST SCENE must PAYOFF.


So, what do you guys think so far? Is this helping you? What are your thoughts on the avoiding story flaws?

Lets talk a little before we move on...


Your ending scenes is what we'll be working on in the next module. If you don't know where you're going you'll never get there!










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#76 rgr

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 02:20 AM

QUOTE (aroundworld @ Sep 14 2012, 10:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>


All of you are writing strong visuals and THANK YOU for making the effort to apply what we've covered. smile.gif


Before we move on to MOD 4, I want to discuss how each of you can make your first scenes pay off at the end of your film.

Maggie's bracelet: How does Tommy the poacher help, how does the bracelet pay off?

Mr. Dett: How does he handle Mr. Rong's revenge; who wins and why? (The payoff)

Briana and Thomas: Are they reunited? What did the children have that Carac wanted? How does that pay off?

Cabal's key and old guitar: What happens in the last scene that makes those objects significant?


You each have very strong first scenes! WELL DONE! Each of you set up the audience to EXPECT something. Each of you PLANTED the idea that something more was important about a person or object and we need to find out what. We know each life had a routine. It was interrupted by; fire, swordsmen, Mr. Rong, Bikers. So, we're waiting for the pay off. cool.gif


So, HOW DO WE AVOID THE STORY FLAW! At the end of the movie, your FIRST SCENE must PAYOFF.


So, what do you guys think so far? Is this helping you? What are your thoughts on the avoiding story flaws?

Lets talk a little before we move on...


Your ending scenes is what we'll be working on in the next module. If you don't know where you're going you'll never get there!











OK I have no idea how to move this forward, but the "interruption" to the "routine" is found in the locker Cabal has a key to. Cabal is expecting money or drugs or something, planning to steal it and move along in his rough and tumble life style. Instead, the locker is filled with books -- science, math, philosophy. Angry, he steals them anyway, out of spite. Since he already robbed his friends, he can't go back, so now he's on his own with only these books, etc.

stuff happens ...

Ending scene is Cabal's funeral. His family is all there. The guitar is a rare and very valuable collector's item (not sure how to represent this visually in a final scene, so I assume this must be disclosed in the interim). But instead of selling it to a collector, even though they could use the money, the family keeps the guitar and now the son plays it as Cabal is finally laid to rest.

Maybe just before he dies, Cabal urges the family to finally sell that old guitar so they can get the money they need. The final scene is the funeral where we see they kept the guitar.

Note, this is not my attempt at writing the final scene, just an idea in my head. I'm at a complete loss as to how to write the ending scene, actually, since in my head, it needs other stuff to happen before it makes sense.

What do you think?

#77 JosephKw

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 11:50 AM

QUOTE (rgr @ Sep 14 2012, 05:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure if we should comment on each other's work, but I really love this line.

rgr

Well, I certainly didn't mind biggrin.gif Thanks rgr.

As to an ending.... When I wrote this I just randomly made up a scene based on symbolism and visuals (I was actually inspired by a cigar butt I saw on the floor that day LOL). Well, I'll come up with something once the next assignment is laid out. I understand that's the way writer Stephen King works--he thinks of an interesting scene, then begins to flesh out the rest of the story as he writes. Maybe that's why some of his endings seems haphazard.

#78 aroundworld

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 01:35 PM

QUOTE (rgr @ Sep 15 2012, 02:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OK I have no idea how to move this forward, but the "interruption" to the "routine" is found in the locker Cabal has a key to. Cabal is expecting money or drugs or something, planning to steal it and move along in his rough and tumble life style. Instead, the locker is filled with books -- science, math, philosophy. Angry, he steals them anyway, out of spite. Since he already robbed his friends, he can't go back, so now he's on his own with only these books, etc.

stuff happens ...

Ending scene is Cabal's funeral. His family is all there. The guitar is a rare and very valuable collector's item (not sure how to represent this visually in a final scene, so I assume this must be disclosed in the interim). But instead of selling it to a collector, even though they could use the money, the family keeps the guitar and now the son plays it as Cabal is finally laid to rest.

Maybe just before he dies, Cabal urges the family to finally sell that old guitar so they can get the money they need. The final scene is the funeral where we see they kept the guitar.

Note, this is not my attempt at writing the final scene, just an idea in my head. I'm at a complete loss as to how to write the ending scene, actually, since in my head, it needs other stuff to happen before it makes sense.

What do you think?




Here's an angle for your consideration.

Unkempt Cabal sits at a table in a grungy apartment kitchen, inserts the key and opens an ornate jewelery music box. It chimes it's song, the same song Cabal has repeatedly played on the old guitar. A ballet dancer slowly spins. Concern crosses his face as he stares at a picture of a woman playing a guitar in the little box. Cabal gets his wallet and pulls out a gnarled picture and compares them. He has the same picture. His mother. Tears come, he breaks down cries.


That's my thought. A subtle but poignant moment where the guitar and the key both payoff.


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#79 aroundworld

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 07:25 PM

Any thoughts or questions about your last scene. Rgr, JK if you want to post those here and discuss them before we move on feel free! smile.gif

There is no try, only do or do not.

 

Learn story telling in the MOVIESTORM education forum. 

 

START HERE:  http://www.moviestor...showtopic=13153


#80 kkffoo

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Posted 16 September 2012 - 09:48 AM

Final scene.

Jayne, Maggy's great grandaughter, cuts back branches and sees ruin of Foley Manor.
She steps forward and falls through rotten floor into burnt out cellar.
Witton, butler's descendent, appears with shotgun.
Jayne tries to hide and finds secret passage.
At end of passage she finds treasure trove.
Witton follows, ties up Jayne.

Witton moves treasure, piles up ancient papers as kindling, is about to burn Jayne plus any evidence alive when..
Peter, Jayne's previously scorned love interest, arrives and knocks Witton out with vase.
Vase breaks, bracelet falls out.
Kiss between Peter and Jayne, Jayne hold up bracelet, it sparkles and reflects smiling ghost faces of Maggy and Tommy.

___________________________________________________

* I haven't done the maths to work out how many generations & date of first scene


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